We Learn, We Grow

It's been a long time coming.. I have been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but never had the time to give it the dedication and time I felt it deserved. 

A few months into the year my husband and I decided that we were ready to add a new little one into our fold.  It didn't take long, and on June 12 (the last day of school AND the day we boarded our flights to the US), I had my first doctors appointment and ultrasound.  I was about 6 weeks along and beyond exited that I was already going to get a peak inside the womb (here in Brazil you get ultrasounds monthly!).  THIS is what we saw:

My heart flipped.  Could there be TWO?!  I have always dreamed in doubles!  The doctor explained that although yes there were two, one was clearly abnormal and that I should prepare myself to miscarry one while on our trip.  I have never felt such a strange combination of emotions.  Should I be excited for the healthy child, or devastated for the one we would would lose?  I knew I was only in the very early stages, but right away I felt connected to the idea of twins and all the fun (and yes, HARD!) times they would bring together.  Motherhood is so miraculously instantaneous that way.. at least it is for me.  I started a desperate google search for miracle events where an abnormal gestational sac still produced a healthy baby, and grasped hold to the fraction of a chance that maybe I could still have both after all. 

My husband didn't feed into my hopes as he started flashing back to memories of my first miscarriage, prior to our first successful pregnancy, and was anxious and worried that this would be the same.  That miscarriage was one of the defining moments in my life.  It happened around 12 weeks pregnant.  For 3 days I laid almost unfeeling on the couch at home with no desire to talk to or see anyone, and completely angry at God.  "Why would he give children to those that don't want them or can't care for them and take one away from me?!"  I felt completely abandoned and utterly alone.  It was my sweet husband and his incredible patience, foresight and faith that saw me through.  On the 3rd day, desperate because he couldn't reach me, he insisted as I threw myself into bed that we needed to say our couples prayer.  It had been 3 days and he had been praying alone.  I rolled my eyes at his apparent lack of sensitivity and rolled out of bed to kneel next to him.  He then sighed and said, "Honey, it's your turn."  How could he?!  How could he ask me to do that now?  I put my head down and stubbornly exclaimed, "I have nothing to say."  As we knelt there in silence for a while he softly whispered, "It's your turn.. Just tell Him how you feel."  For what seemed like hours we knelt in silence until I allowed my heart to soften slightly and started to sob.  I spilled out my heart to my Father in Heaven.  My frustrations and hurt from our loss.  My desires to raise a righteous family, to be a mother.  After I finished we crawled into bed and I sobbed while my husband held me.  The next morning when I woke up, the world seemed a little brighter.

I assured him that this time it would be different.  I am a mother now, and even when I am weak, I must be strong for them.  No matter what.  We opted not to tell the kids, or most anyone really about what was going on until we knew for sure.  Before my husband left the States to come back to Brazil I wanted to be prepared for what was going to unfold.  We scheduled an appointment for another ultrasound.  I wasn't expecting what we saw next.

One baby.  One healthy and thriving baby.  But where was the other?  The doctor reviewed the first pictures which were unmistakable - there had been two, but now there was only one.  "Have you had any cramping?  Bleeding?"  No, none.  "Sometimes, for reasons we can't explain, the body will reabsorb a pregnancy that is not developing correctly.."  I was mystified.  I didn't realize that could happen!  As we got in the car and drove around a bit, I could tell my husband was nervous.  My mind was spinning with thoughts and I tried to form them into words to help him see that I really was going to be just fine.  My eyes brimmed with tears, "I am disappointed of course, but I'm alright.  I'm just searching for a bit of closure I guess..  But what a tender mercy really.  I was scared I would have to go through not only the emotional aspect of miscarrying a child, but the physical aspect as well.  Knowing that I won't have to go through that pain at all is miraculous.  That first time I felt like I had been completely and utterly abandoned, but this time, I know that I'm not alone."  I truly felt at peace with what happened.  I was able to feel the genuine excitement for yet one more healthy child that we were being blessed to receive in this life!

Last Friday we had yet another ultrasound - this one to determine the gender of our new little bundle!  I should have known.  Really I was asking for it..  I had no preference, honestly.  It's just that after 4 kids, we needed a new infant car seat, and this one was by far the cutest of the bunch!

Adorable right?!  I know.  Well, at the ultrasound, our new little hooligan gave us one VERY clear shot.  The rest were poor quality and fuzzy due to the amount of somersaults going on in there.  But nevertheless, I think the message sent was pretty clear:

"Get out that black sharpy mom, I am ALL BOY!!!" :D  Oops.. sorry little man!  Looks like I'm going Etsy shopping for a car seat cover! Lol  21 weeks and counting.  Baby BOY Hooley is due the end of January 2013, and we couldn't be happier! :)